HOW TO “LOVE” A JERK
It’s probably easier to forgive people of whom we would say we already love. And by love here, I mean, having loving feelings. But what about forgiving someone who is simply a jerk? What if we don’t have any good feelings toward the person who has wronged us? What do we do? One of the most helpful and freeing things I’ve ever read on forgiving ‘jerks’ has been C. S. Lewis’ chapter on “Forgiveness,” in Mere Christianity.
Lewis states, “So loving my enemies does not apparently mean thinking them nice either. That is an enormous relief. For a good many people imagine that forgiving your enemies means making out that they are really not such bad fellows after all, when it is quite plain that they are.” Lewis derives this thought from reflecting upon Jesus’ command to love our enemies (for our enemies are our neighbors) as we love ourselves (Mt 22:39). When you think about loving yourself, it does not happen because you have warm, fuzzy feelings about yourself. In fact, sometimes you look at the things you do with hate and repulsion. We despise cowardice, selfishness, and bitterness when we find it in ourselves. And the reason we hate these things is precisely because we love ourselves. So, apparently, it’s okay to hate things that our enemies do. But, as Lewis reminds us, “we must hate them in the same way in which we hate things in ourselves: being sorry that the [person] should have done such things, and hoping, if it is anyway possible, that somehow, sometime, somewhere he can be cured….”
Lewis also argues that loving our enemies doesn’t mean allowing them to get out of appropriate punishment for their actions (primarily speaking of civil actions). Remember, loving myself doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t subject myself to just punishment. If I had committed a serious crime, the right thing for me to do would be turn myself in and receive the just punishment. You might think that this all sounds like a loophole for seeking revenge on our enemies. But I don’t think it is. The Bible never assumes that we can manufacture nice feelings toward a person, but it does command us to eradicate within ourselves any feelings of enjoyment at seeing an enemy “get what they deserve.” Those feelings of pleasure which rise up inside of us when hear about something bad which has happened to our enemy must be resisted—even killed. We must wish for and work for the good of our enemies. This doesn’t mean wishing pleasures and blissfulness for him or her but, as Lewis concludes, “to wish that he was not bad, to hope that he may, in this world or another, be cured….”
God has called us to love our enemies. And when you really think about it, this is the same way God has loved us. Grace speaks of a quality of His love which seeks our good not because of anything lovable in us, but simply because, as Lewis puts it, “we are the things called selves.” God has given us a model of love and forgiveness in the act of His Son stepped down from the thrown, wrapped himself in frail human nature and living among us (Jn 1:14).
A FIRST STEP IN LOVING OUR ENEMIES
I’ll share one last insightful note from Lewis from his chapter on “Charity” (the ancient word for love). He tries to offer assistance to the person who says, “Okay, I’m glad that I don’t have to lie about how nice my enemy is when he’s really not. But I simply can’t make myself love him. I don’t even know where to start. Here’s Lewis’ advice: “Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did.” Ask yourself, “If I were sure that I did love my neighbor what would I do?” Once you’ve figured about the answer, go and do it. And what will happen is that you’ll soon come to discover that loving him or her isn’t as impossible as you first thought. There might even, in the future, come feelings of love. After all, feelings follow actions. Do good toward an enemy and you’ll find yourself disliking him or her less. Similarly, do an enemy some harm and you’ll find yourself disliking him or her all the more.
I’d suggest reading two very short chapters mentioned above from C. S. Lewis’ book, Mere Christianity. His chapters on “Forgiveness” and “Charity” are extremely practical and would, I think, be instructive and encouraging in thinking through your own relationships.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:
1. What other insights about how we are to love our neighbors or enemies can you come to by reflecting upon how we love ourselves?
2. Can you think of a time in which your actions of love for a person allowed you to more easily love the person?